Posted on December 20, 2017 | written by GOONRATHI
December Set 9
Posted on December 20, 2017 | written by GOONRATHI
December Set 9
Beet Wagon
This encapsulates Star Citizen for me in a way I doubt the OP could ever understand or recognize. It’s got everything:
The pointless joke literally run into the ground as the only bit of content
The huge, empty, ill-advised planet
The wonky physics, with the Big Benny’s machine jittering all over the place
The hilariously overwrought mocap of the guy doing his dumb victory dance
The inability of commandos to affect change on anything (look at his feet in relation to the vending machine)
It’s all just so perfect.
I see Derek finally defeated the vending machine.
When will humans invent FTL drives? When will humanity cure cancer? When will we have world peace?
These are all important questions, and yet the answers remain elusive. Why? Because we haven’t yet invented a machine to predict the future.
How does that apply here, you ask? Well, you see, Bob, attempting to determine when 3.0 will be out to the public would be attempting to predict the future, and, well, we’re just not quite there yet.
this is an apt comparison because like FTL drives, star citizen being completed is forbidden by the laws of reality
Beet Wagon
“He can’t control the narrative!” I say, comparing my 400 followers to his 7,000 and wildly tweeting about the time my forums enemy went on a facebook stream to literally control the narrative.
Apologies to Charlies Daniels:
Roberts went down to LA he was looking for some funds to steal
He was in a bind cause he was way behind. He was willing to make a deal
When he came across this fossil writing a blog and tweetin’ a lot
And Roberts jumped upon an airplane desk and said “Boy, let me tell you what.”
“I bet you didn’t know it, but I’m a developer too
And if you’d care to take a dare I’ll make a bet with you
Now you write a pretty good blog, boy, but give the Roberts his due
I’ll bet this concept jpeg against your soul cause I think I’m better than you.”
The boy said, “My name’s Derek, and it might be a sin
But I’ll take your bet; and you’re gonna regret cause I’m the best Warlord there’s ever been.”
Derek, fire up your blog and play your trolls hard
Cause CIG’s broke in LA and Roberts steals the tards
And if you win you get to say “I told you sooo”
But if you lose the goons get your soul
Roberts peeled up his scalp and he said, “I’ll start this show.”
And hundreds flew from his fingertips as he delayed the show
And he pulled the funds across his wife and it made an evil hiss
And a band of shills joined in and it sounded something like this:
[Demonic Full Burn piece]
When Roberts finished, Derek said, “Well, you’re pretty good ol’ son
Play Star Citizen right there and let me finish on how it’s done.”
“Coutt’s own the assets now time to get refunds!
Roberts in the house of decreasing funds;
Lesnick in the kitchen eating cookie dough
Roberts, does the hobo bite? No, backer, no
[Non-demonic Full Burn piece]
Roberts bowed his head because Skadden had him beat
And he laid that concept jpeg on the ground at Derek’s feet
Derek said, “Roberts, just come on back if you ever wanna try again
Cause I’ve told you once–you son of a bitch–I’m the best Warlord there’s ever been.”
And he played:
“Coutt’s own the assets now time to get refunds!
Roberts in the house of decreasing funds;
Lesnick in the kitchen eating cookie dough
Roberts, does the hobo bite? No, backer, no
Any Australians in the thread may wish to pick up the latest issue of PC PowerPlay; it contains a column predicting what will occur in the world of gaming in 2018, including a few key events for Star Citizen.
There was a sticked post in the SC sub that was that cartoon of Derek with autistic screeching over his head. That’s how they view Derek and all the “haters”.
This isn’t as knee-jerk as it sounds. The citizens probably really DID perceive Derek’s words as INSERT AUTISTIC SCREECHING HERE. They don’t process the content of the media they consume, they process the emotions it made them feel. No citizen can remember what Ben or Chris or Tony said in episode 172 of Reverse the Hearse two years ago. But they can remember a powerful, idolised man told them he would give them their dreams, and that’s all that registered in their brains. Does something make them feel hyped and pumped for Star Citizen? It goes in the GOOD category, is welcomed into their worldview, and the theorycrafting begins about how awesome this will be. Does something make them feel nervous or anxious or attacked? Then it goes in the BAD category and cannot be allowed to be real, ever.
To an extent this is the basis of all marketing, but a worldview this far gone is endemic to the kind of unsocialised, poorly-socially-developed, alienated person who is most vulnerable to cult recruitment. They don’t have the self-worth that comes from a sense of their own accomplishments and an established place in a community to allow them to properly evaluate the marketing hype. They don’t have other voices in their lives to provide something they can compare that hype to. Actually evaluating a statement means understanding it and sorting it into concepts the reader’s mind can grasp, and that’s scary when the statement includes criticism of the core of your self-identity. A cultist cannot do that. Their emotions are the only legitimate response to CIG marketing a cultist will accept.
Announcing a new ship? That makes them feel psyched! It’s gonna be great flying that with their friends and their orgs, and Chris said orgs will seek you out if you have one (the Pioneer). Calling out the hefty price tag of a new ship? That makes them feel attacked, stop making them feel bad about a thing they were feeling good about a moment ago. You must be a goon or an alt or a shill or another evil word, because you want to harm me by making me feel bad. The backers evaluate all criticism by the disappointment and defensiveness the cultists themselves feel when they hear it. Not what the actual critic said.
_You don’t embrace Star Citizen with the same level of enthusiasm I do and that makes me sad. That hurts.
Why did you hurt me? You must have wanted to hurt me. Your motive cannot have been critique or evaluation or even well-intentioned concern, it can ONLY be to hurt me. You must hate me. So you hate Star Citizen. You are coming for me and I must ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK to stop you hurting me again!_. The rest is mob mentality and nerds being shitlords in predictable ways.
We call Citizens “manchildren”, this is how they behave like children. The content doesn’t matter, only the way it makes them feel. Intent does not matter, if it hurts them to hear your words you must have meant to hurt them. You cannot be merely a critic or just curious about the project, you must be a hater who wants to harm them.
This is why they’re so strangely blasé about release dates and feature lists. **All that matters is how awesome it will be when 3.0 is released. If not 3.0, 3.1. If not 3.1, 4.0. It’s gonna feel so awesome.
This is why critical bloggers and streamers must be attacked so viciously (setting aside considerations about grey market prices). **Your words make me feel sad and that hurts so you must be deliberately attacking me. I will react as if you have directly assaulted me.
This is why they cheered when Chris said he won’t give release dates. Release dates are just words in the mouths of people who hurt us. If Chris does not make promises, the haters have less ammunition!
This is why the hardcore cultists freeze and lock up when CIG fucks up the marketing, But but but CIG makes me feel GOOD and now I feel bad! Whyyyyyyyyyy…!.
Ultimately this is why they’re pathologically incapable of evaluating the Crytek lawsuit. The lawsuit manifests in their heads as nothing but giant documents reading WE ARE HERE TO TAKE YOUR DREAMS AWAY. YES YOURS, CITIZEN 415762, YOUR DREAMS PERSONALLY. NYAR HAR HAR WE’RE SO EVIL, SO VERY VERY EVIL. They don’t see the words on the page. They don’t respond to the points raised. They respond to their emotional reaction of knowing a lawsuit was filed. That reaction is a combination of nervousness and bravado, grasping at any passing piece of information that might provide a way back out of the scary introspection - “mighty CIG will crush all before it!” “ORTWIN WILL BRING THE FUREH!” “This is just a Crytek cash grab!” “Please please please can that be true I’m scared!”
There’s no point arguing with a Cultist over the substantive content of anything, lawsuit or critique or forum post, because the Citizens aren’t reading the content. The content doesn’t matter. The meaning doesn’t matter. All that matters is that the lawsuit, the GOONS, the words of a critic or Chris’s failure to play his own game or whatever it is…suddenly makes them feel anxious. So it must be rejected as hard and as thoroughly as possible to make the anxiety stop.
Filthy backers, let them stare into the bog that holds their reflection and dreams forever, let the water rise above their heads as they lose themselves to the vision, let their opinions rise like so many, ‘glub-glub-glubs’ to the surface, rendered mute and vacuous by their willingness to be immersed in their product.
My heart is hardened. The stage is set. The banners fly and those who seek reprieve from the coming consequences have tarried too long to escape judgement. Lesnik was the last. Crytek has sounded a shrill blast of war, and all those who attend it ride to end it all. The irregulars at Chris Robert’s disposal speak softly of letting their wallets speak for them, for good and ill. And with it? I see a warlord who declares all these events are set in motion via his prophecy of, ‘Beware the Crytek at launch.”
Some believe it was called before the rising of capital. Some believe the final call has yet to be announced. I know this for certain. Until the end, just as in the beginning, I shall just post, and until that end, just as there was in that beginning so many years ago, there is parp.
The real treasure is the grief we made along the way
Derek Smart
[I’m now at 6.5 months since first asking for a refund :( What’s my next step? I can’t believe my family is in this situation at Christmas time, I remember going to the beach in mid-summer the day I first asked!!!! :( Please help guys…
(video: Mark’s character hops around a stationary ship and yells are people)
Scruffpuff
Wow - a “cinematic” but no fucking game. I’m not sure I can handle this unforeseen turn of events.
Bootcha
Where’s the CryEngine logo?
Jobbo_Fett
Why yes, I am the pilot of this craft, watch me jump down 13 steps just to break my ankles.
Do you like my ridiculous chest armour and cock-cup? I designed it myself. You’ll notice that, as a pilot, I often find myself requiring body armour in tight, closed cockpits.
What a confusing clusterfuck of an alpha trailer.
TheAgent
the last time someone ran a marketing thing on IGN it was almost $50,000 for a simple highlight
your backer dollars at work lol
THERE’S NO FUCKING FOOTAGE. OF SPACESHIPS. FLYING. IN THEIR FUCKING. SPACE GAAAAAAAAMMMMMEEEEE
this whole goddamn thing is a scam so crobberts and sandi can become titans of industry running some shitty vfx studio in hollywood. there was never an actual game
Scruffpuff
The flying ship is a photoshop and the footage is not in-game
I’ve never seen this level of openness and in-your-face audacity in a scam before. 99% of everything they put out is promising ongoing game development and implying tons of behind-the-scenes progress, but lightly scratch the surface and you see that the ONLY thing CIG has made is the superficial illusory stuff. They just put the scam right there out in the open, in your face, with full confidence. “Yep, we’re completely full of shit, give us more cash and we’ll make more fake trailers for a game nobody knows how to build.”
And every day, it’s working.
I tried to imagine what it’d be like for CIG to be my dentist, but realized it’d probably just be some dude putting me on a neverending waiting list while sending me breath mint to help with the stench of my already compromised teeth as I slowly die from bacterial infection or somesuch.
But at least I’d die with the dream of the most perfect and painless evah dentist procedure!
Beet Wagon
new splash page. Focuses heavily on mocap and melted faces. In fact the picture of spaceships doing space things is the only image that isn’t animated if you mouse over it, because there is in fact no gameplay.
Also it would appear Gillian Anderson’s agent wasn’t able to get her out of her contract, based on how many times they mention her.
So CIG put a conversation “tree” (which appears to be an opportunity to play the tutorial) over the unskippable non-gameplay cinematic, and this guy sees it and says “NO IT’S THE INNER THOUGHT SYSTEM”.
“Inner Thought” system. Amazing how CIG manages to give a proper name to every mechanic they “develop” (otherwise known as stealing and then renaming to cover your tracks.)
Tip for CIG: you don’t have to steal every gameplay element, rename it, then deny knowing about it and claiming you invented it. Especially since everything you reinvent has been broken shit. There’s no shame in just using what the real game developers are using. You might even squeak out something resembling a smartphone app one day.
If any FPS engine basedgames taught me anything is that you can propel your tank to fly by firing the turret backwards. So I’d imagine there will be a goon space tank squadron spam firing backwards to fly the horde of tanks through space until we discover a poor citizen miner to gank. At which point we all surround him and then slowly rotate the turrets forward for 30 seconds of suspense.
Scruffpuff
I imagine things at CIG must be awkward. It’s hard to believe EVERYONE there has bad taste. So they shit out a trailer like this and all have to glance askew at each other, trying to dynamically gauge which ones realize it’s pure distilled shit and which of them are fully down with the Kool-Aid.
Then comes the Autist King, and they have to present His Majesty with something that’s been giving them douche-chills for the past several months, and deep inside they wish he’d also realize how shit it is, but when he smiles and says “It’s just as I envisioned it” they all have their own visions of CribbityBobbityBoo getting a visit from Stimpire Invigilation teams.
